"Ugly" by Vincent Truman

Commuter Blues

In my day, I am most reflective and contemplative during my commute to and from work. It's at these times where I can really just think, with no work or creative or personal obligations to snap at the heels of my thoughts. Unfortunately, at the very moment I can really have some great thoughts, there's people all over the damn place.

I don't know where they come from. But they are almost always in my way.Well, no, I think they are in my way, but they are not really in my way. For all I know, I am in their way. Well, no. I'm not in their way. They are definitely in mine.

The people I'm talking about are the ones waiting for the train on the platform, and when the train arrives, they stand not to the side of the door - you know, so people can get off the train - but directly in front of it. In the city the size of Chicago, with millions of people travelling to a central location every day, how do you not know that if you let people get off a train, you can get on faster? Apparently, it's possible, as every day, there's the same dead-eyed wonders standing in front of the train doors at the Clark and Lake station, seemingly unaware that people do things such as disembark.

If you're one of these people, please believe that I mean no offense. But shoot yourself. You would be doing the economy a favor - and at the moment, it needs as many favors as it can get.I'm all about structure and respect when it comes to lots of people walking around. Escalators = stand on the right, pass on the left. Like roads. Hallways = walk on the right. Like, you know, roads. Now, the people I run into in the morning are literally the people I run into in the morning. These brain stems must think that every bit of pavement is their personal Autobahn, and routinely I have to brace myself with 'football shoulder' just so I'm not knocked around like a pinball.

My three defenses: (1) Cigarette. No one will bump into you if they notice you have a small amount of fire at the end of your hand. I generally don't smoke on the street; but I do light a cigarette. (2) Cell phone. People don't like people who walk and talk on their cell phone; they are repulsed (because the conversations are always so woefully uninteresting) and so they move out of the way. If you see me on the street with my cell phone, chances are I'm not talking to anyone at all. I'm just walking in a straight line. (3) Tourist. I pretend to be a tourist sometimes, and will look up at the big ol' buildings. People won't run into you if you're looking away. Like wild animals, eye contact is a challenge to do battle. So I don't make any. So if you see a guy not smoking, not talking on his phone, or not looking at anyone, come up and say hi. I probably won't hear you, but I will appreciate the effort.

By the time I get to work or home, I am a defensive, miserable ball of neuroses. And I have forgotten all manner of contemplation or reflection that I had achieved. Like a dream after you wake up, my wisdom just fades into non-memory.

And I wonder what went wrong.

Bible 2.0

It's true, I'm an atheist. I actually have to define myself by what I don't believe in. This is a fairly rare phenomenon: you never hear about people being anti-choice, or anti-life, or even anti-active. However, when I try to resort to most positive labels - like freethinker or rationalist - I am met with inquisitive yet vacuous stares, the same type you might receive if you proclaimed "I'm a quaker - and you know what that means!" to the average American citizen.

I use that as a personal example, as I, personally, would have no idea what that meant, unless it had something to do with the harvesting of oats.

Despite this label of 'atheist', which I wear with the pride of a cross around my neck (or any other torture device), I am not terribly fond of the atheist culture. They seem to be a high-brow, arrogant bunch of people who can, more often than not, quote more scripture than the average religious person. The atheist gang still does not garner my sympathy more than the religious factions out there, and I find myself thinking of ways to help the latter out with their arguments against the former, which tend to revolve around 'you're going to hell' or 'god works in mysterious ways' or an equally pompous sense of forgiveness toward their non-believing brothers and sisters. Despite this being a vast improvement over, say, invading Athiestotopia, killing all the males and raping the females (as history has repeatedly shown), I do find that, in the battle of the minds, the atheists tend to make more sense and ultimately win against the religious, whose defenses ultimately distill into covering their eyes and claiming they cannot see the battle.

And this is why I try to think of things to help the religious folks find a new angle with their arguments; there is no healthy debate without an even playing field.

Today, I came up with the perfect idea: Bible 2.0.

The concept behind Bible 2.0 is to eradicate all of the stories and fragments that atheists often cite as part of their arguments against the idiocy of religion and replace them instead with light, happy, encouraging stories and fragments. The precedent is already in place: the earliest gospels in which Jesus is a subject arrived on the scene several decades after his (alleged) death (equivalent to you or I starting to write about Elvis today) and the Bible itself did not really come together until Emporer Constantine saw the Christians as a viable, yet disparate, force to be reckoned with - in the early 300s A.D. - although it took over 100 more years to create the first unified manuscript, thanks to the negotiations between the Christian factions in Rome, Constantinople, Antioch, Caesaria, Jerusalem, Alexandria and Carthage.

Thus, despite or because of this slackerly delay in getting their religious house in order, the Christians should create a new version of the book. An Old and New And Improved Testament, if you will.

I will scrawl out a few particularly ugly passages, which atheists often utilize, and suggest substitutions, to displace these arguments altogether.

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Ugly Passage 1. "And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire." (Leviticus 21:9)

Correction 1: "And if the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, shall be called a very naughty girl and instructed not to do it again."

Ugly Passage 2: "For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man." (I Corinthians 11:8-9)

Correction 2: "For the man needs the woman and the woman needs the man. One can be a little bit country; the other can be a little bit rock and roll. But, come on, kids, we can get along."

Ugly Passage 3: "Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church." (I Corinthians 14:34-35)

Correction 3: "Everyone should shut up when someone else is talking."

Ugly Passage 4: "And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters, which the LORD they God hath given thee, in the siege, and in the straightness, wherewith thine enemies shall distress thee:" (Deuteronomy 28:53)

Correction 4: "Don't eat your kids."

Ugly Passage 5: "This said the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun." (II Samuel 12:11)

Correction 5: "If you're going to schtupp another guy's wife, wear sunscreen."

Ugly Passage 6: "Proclaim ye this among the Gentiles; Prepare war, wake up the mighty men, let all the men of war draw near; let them come up: Beat your plowshares into swords, and your pruninghooks into spears: let the weak say, I am strong." (Joel 3:9-10)

Correction 6: "Don't kill people, dude."

Ugly Passage 7: "But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also." (Matthew 5:39)

Correction 7: This isn't particularly an ugly passage, but I don't know any christians who believe in it. If you think I'm wrong, go to a church next Sunday and punch someone in the face. See what happens.

Ugly Passage 8: Moses says, "Behold, these caused the children of Israel, through the counsel of Balaam, to commit trespass against the LORD in the matter of Peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the LORD. Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." (Numbers 31:16-18)

Correction 8: "Moses says, put your hands on your head. Moses says, put your hands on your hips. Put your hands on your nose. Aha! Moses didn't say 'Moses Says'!"

Ugly Passage 9: "The righteous shall rejoice when he sees the vengeance. He shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked." (Psalms 58:10)

Correction 9: "Oops I did it again. I played with your heart. Got lost in the game."

Ugly Passage 10: "If ye will not hear, and if ye will not lay it to heart, to give glory unto my name, saith the LORD of hosts, I will even send a curse upon you, and I will curse your blessings: yea, I have cursed them already, because ye do not lay it to heart. Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it." (Malachi 2:2-3)

Correction 10: "Oh shit."